Letter to Dilliwaalo – Part 2

Dear Dilliwaalo

Pranaam yet again.

Ok let me tell you this, I had no plans to write a third letter to you, after my first two, Letter to Dilliwaalo, and Letter to ‘Oh My God’, but this forced me to. Yes, this is hilarious and true to the core; its just that I got this thing recently.

This thing is the Map of India. And this ain’t an ordinary map. This is YOUR MAP of INDIA. And believe me you, I didn’t make that. But whoever did it, it’s just so awesome – short, sweet and mapped. All credits of the picture to you – who-so-ever you are.

Dilliwaalo ka Map

For less humiliation that you might feel, I will not go through each and every state or rather your each and every thought about the states – only a select few. And I get t choose those few cause this is my blog. Hope you understand.

So lets start from the top. Caashmeer (I prefer calling it Jammu & Kashmir) is DANGER. Yaa, why not. Looking at the current scenario, it will definitely reinforce your belief that this place is the most dangerous place to be. Cant really blame it on you. Considering your mental capacity and the situation, a sound healthy mind like Shobha De can also go haywire. However, this has not always been the case and for once, this land was also known as the Heaven on Earth. Though everyone in the state has now learnt the almost forgotten, the primitive and most elementary route of resisting anything good – STONE PELTING, making it more of a hell and sending people to heaven straightaway, is altogether a different thing. And also, let me extend my whole-hearted thanks to very intelligent and super-great gentlemen like Mirwaiz Umar Farooq, Yasin Malik et al, for bringing back the lost glory of the state – not forgetting the title sponsors – PAKISTAN.

Coming further down, its the states of UP & Uttranchal – The grand dads of India. But for you, its from where all the autowaale bhaiya’s come from. This might be true to a certain extent but not all. Yes, we are the largest and the biggest but we are better and way above what you guys think you are. Very recently I poured my heart out on your intelligence. Read it here – Educated or Literate. So everything having said and done, I will move on.

The current states of Gujarat & Rajasthan is Gujjar Meena belt which needs some strict highway patrolling. Recently, the complete Gujjar Meena belt were in the news because of their most aggressive demand of reservation. Yes, they also need some trains and reservation in them but they wanted reservation in whatever their government offers…whatever means whatever..jobs, no jobs, toilets, seats, roads, news, views…anything. And yes, more recently they were in the news for CWG. No they did not partner Kalamadi but they partnered India to bring it to No#2 in the medals tally. But leave it, I know, YOU DON’T CARE.

Nepal is for domestic help. Agreed. They had the royal family and the rest scaled Mt. Everest, or are domestic help, or guard your homes. Agreed. I rest my point.

Moving to further east, yes, that’s the land of Chinky’s. You might not know how and why was this term coined but you use…cause you are just so cool. But wait, because I am a good man and God’s sent me on a mission to let the world know of the real Delhites…here it is. According to Wikipedia, Chink or sometimes Chinki is a racial slur referring mainly to a person of Chinese ethnicity but sometimes generalized to refer to any person of East Asian descent. But its ok…I understand. You’ve just got no time to get into the details. So done. Point made.

Gujarat- the land of Hindu extremists, Gandhi baba, Modi & BJP, Dandiya, earthquake and Dhokla. Am I forgetting something…no…or in fact yes….Jassi’s phamous song…Dil lai gayi…that has grooved numerous late night parties of yours.

Moving on, East & South East of India is the Land of Maos. All Lal Salams and kidnapping and killing happening. And everything below that is Madras. Yes there is a small place called Bangalore, now also called as Bengaluru. Now that is such a ‘suck-all’ name but can’t help. I didn’t do it.

So here I conclude my case and leave it on you to decide. But a bigger question, I think, for you will be, To Be Or Not To Be, the way you are.

Take Care.

A Letter to ‘Oh My God’!

Dear Oh My God!

Dandwatt Pranaam.
(FYI-DandwattPranaam is saying hello in the complete inverted sleeping position. I do it on several occasions. It saves a lot of time…neend ki neend..pranaam ka pranaam..!!!)

Namaskaaram!

Ok. So I am writing to you Lord, because some time back I did something grave; I wrote a letter, Letter to Dilliwaalo. The writing of the letter was not a mistake but the fact that I missed many peculiar habits of Dilliwala’s is such that since then, I have not been able to live peacefully. The sheer feeling of the fact that I left the world deprived of something which was so essential and important for the world to know, more from the social awareness point of view than anything else, had given me many sleepless nights. I am here to correct my misdeed and let the world know of the greatness, that is Dilliwaale. Allow Me pliss…!!!

So let me start, or rather re-start by saying that, for the sake of clarity, I have divided Delhi janta into Dilliawala’s and Dilliwaali’s. And I take this privilege to start with Dilliwala’s. Now, Dilliwalas have the most loose eye-sockets. It hangs out at least half a feet out whenever they see good smart hot pants belonging to the opposite sex. I understand that this frustrated and sexually-deprived breed cant be entirely blamed for this. There sexual deprivation was at one-point-of-time, the most talked about thing of Dilli after the deadly bluelines creating red-lines all over. Their sexual frustration made it to the national and international headlines. Also, Dilliwaali’s are a very good plush breed of hot pants; even I fall from them at times but I have restrained from them more-or-less.

The second point that I would lowe to make about the Dilliwala’s-Dilliwaali’s is that come what may, whether they have a proper place stay or not, they will try and have the most expensive car available. Also, whether there is parking space outside their palace (pun intended; did you get it? There is no practical possibility of a palace in Delhi; specially after the CWG happened to the city…but yaa, we can look at another fly-over, if you wish) or even in the vicinity, but that super car has to be there. And believe me you, my chotu car stands right besides that big big car—shining smiling bright.)

OK I am very very emotional now. ‘Oh My God’, please help me.

So my third point. This is not a point but my urge to you. Considering your limited of knowledge of the sub-continental geography (no it is in no way related to the sub-continental food), you must try and learn more and more about your country; yes, I am talking about India, that’s the name. I know that you have the Parliament House, The Rashtrapati Bhawan, The Qutab Minar, and The Metro; and now to you also have CWG, but all that is because your land is national capital. However, the world or for that matter our country is huge, large and great, and I think you should try and learn more about it. And this request of mine goes beyond knowing what you already know. For example, not every person who is from Noida or from any other part of the state of Uttar Pradesh or Bihar is a thief or can be used for a servant. In fact to learn more about these states, start with going through google maps and finding out where exactly these two integral part of the country lie. There is more to UP than just Noida and Taj Mahal and more to Bihar than Lalu Yadav.
And yes, both these states, specially Bihar, may be the labour colony of the world. But this is not because its their fault or mis(h)take. Its just that our political masters chose to bring some of us to the level that you are and some were deprived.

With this, I rest my case ‘Oh My Lord’. Now it is for you to decide the guilty. [oho bhai....ye too much ho gaya!]

Aapka param bhakt!